It's hard to believe, over a year has gone by since I've worked.

I've always preached to my employees the importance of being hungry.
Hungry for passion, knowledge, and for success.

I guess it's always easier said than done, right?

I promise you, I believed in what I preached even though I have lost faith in my own self at times.  

Today, I spent hours writing cover letters and sending off my resumes to places where I do not have any experience or even knowing what the job responsibilities are.  I literally threw darts with my eyes closed hoping one would even land on the board.  

If you are in the same position or worse than I, it's okay to be scared shitless, because I know I am.

In order for me to get over my fear of rejections is to keep on applying. 
I may not have all the qualifications, but who really knows everything about everything?

By the way, I did not send out my resumes to hospitals for a surgeon position. 

That was way out of my league.

Maps

My first job was delivering pizzas at a local pizza shop. 
I was only 16 at the time.
Back then, GPS and smartphone did not exist so all my deliveries relied solely on reading a map.
Flipping through pages as I drove to find my destination.
My average time for delivery was little over an hour and I've made no money doing so.

Life is like driving and reading maps.
When you first start out, you take your time, make short trips, and get familiar by reading maps.
During those short trips, you will get lost or even get in an accident wether it was you at fault or not.
As you drive more and more, you build more confidence and take longer trips.
Then eventually you will be on a road to your final destination.

I, myself at the age of 32, it's true that I do not know where my destination is.  Hell, I don't know where I am going for that matter.

However, I know what I want to experience and see until I get there.


I know there is someone else out there feeling the same way as I do.
By reading this, it will not solve your problem or even make it better. 
My purpose for my personal stories and experiences are to let you know that I am right there with you.



Pizza shop closed its doors soon after I quit.  I am left to wonder if I was part of the reason why..

Only human

When I got laid off, fired, terminated, thrown out, or any other ways to put it, I was 31.

For my own sanity, I was laid off.  I refuse to believe I was fired.  Sure, I was an asshole to some, but most importantly, I was an asset to the company.

Like most people, I was angry.

For a very long time.

Then I became vulnerable.

Vulnerable to sadness, then came anxiety, soon after self pity, and even thoughts of suicide.

...

2013, a friend of mine committed suicide. 

I had been with him and talked to him 10 hours prior.

I could not think of anything else but to relive that last moment with him and find faults in myself.  Maybe I was the reason that pushed him over the edge.

Then I put myself in his shoes and imagined how hard it must have been that killing himself was so easy to do.  

Growing up, I can easily say, people have at one point thought about it as I have.

...

I was 17.

Driving 70 MPH in my 1999 Honda Civic.  

It was white with gold rims.

Bought it off craigslist from an old lady.

My very first car.

I was crying hysterically and I wanted to die.

But I was too much of a coward to actually kill myself, so my intention that night was to drive fast and crash my car into a wall.

I was ready to let myself go, but at that very moment, I was approached by flashing lights and I stopped.

To this day, I wonder what it would have been like, if the cop was not there.  If I had just sped through.

...

After being vulnerable to all those thoughts, I became hysterical.

I spent most of my savings on useless things.

For example? 

$700 designer wallet for a girl I had been seeing for less than a month.

$500 on a bar tab when all I had was a sip of ridiculously marked up vodka.

At that very moment, those things kept me happy.

It took my mind off of how miserable I really was.

If you suddenly had an unexpected job loss, or loved ones, I feel your pain.

I do.

I went through it more than one person should.

Having these emotions are normal.

After all, we are only human.

Others may make you feel the way you do, but you are the only one that can control your own emotions.  No one else.

Now wether you can fight off your own demons from within is another story.


Rest In Peace.
I.D. 

Rest In Peace.
A.L.


https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-8255

Purpose

My last blog was about how long it would take for one to make one million dollars.
That was seven short years ago.

Here'a a little update for those of you wondering. 
I am about $980,000 short.

I have little less than $20,000 in my savings, unemployed, and no real directions.
Hell, I have been unemployed for a little over a year now.

I need to snap out, but only if that was easy.

This blog is not about self pity, self hate, or even asking for a handout.  I simply decided to start writing again to others out there who is going through the same.  For myself, but I hope my blogs can give you a different perspective and go through the journey with me as it happens. 

• Make better choices.  
• Grow.  
• Most importantly, be content.

Who am I? 

I am no one special.

I am 32 years old.
I have been working as well-established general manager of a restaurant in a fast paced city where your title was more important than who you are.  I emphasize this because that would be part of my downfall.