Only human

When I got laid off, fired, terminated, thrown out, or any other ways to put it, I was 31.

For my own sanity, I was laid off.  I refuse to believe I was fired.  Sure, I was an asshole to some, but most importantly, I was an asset to the company.

Like most people, I was angry.

For a very long time.

Then I became vulnerable.

Vulnerable to sadness, then came anxiety, soon after self pity, and even thoughts of suicide.

...

2013, a friend of mine committed suicide. 

I had been with him and talked to him 10 hours prior.

I could not think of anything else but to relive that last moment with him and find faults in myself.  Maybe I was the reason that pushed him over the edge.

Then I put myself in his shoes and imagined how hard it must have been that killing himself was so easy to do.  

Growing up, I can easily say, people have at one point thought about it as I have.

...

I was 17.

Driving 70 MPH in my 1999 Honda Civic.  

It was white with gold rims.

Bought it off craigslist from an old lady.

My very first car.

I was crying hysterically and I wanted to die.

But I was too much of a coward to actually kill myself, so my intention that night was to drive fast and crash my car into a wall.

I was ready to let myself go, but at that very moment, I was approached by flashing lights and I stopped.

To this day, I wonder what it would have been like, if the cop was not there.  If I had just sped through.

...

After being vulnerable to all those thoughts, I became hysterical.

I spent most of my savings on useless things.

For example? 

$700 designer wallet for a girl I had been seeing for less than a month.

$500 on a bar tab when all I had was a sip of ridiculously marked up vodka.

At that very moment, those things kept me happy.

It took my mind off of how miserable I really was.

If you suddenly had an unexpected job loss, or loved ones, I feel your pain.

I do.

I went through it more than one person should.

Having these emotions are normal.

After all, we are only human.

Others may make you feel the way you do, but you are the only one that can control your own emotions.  No one else.

Now wether you can fight off your own demons from within is another story.


Rest In Peace.
I.D. 

Rest In Peace.
A.L.


https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-8255